Leaving Malta, my home, and all the expectations
11th October 2015
Sitting on the plane crying
Feeling the sadness of loss
The pang in my heart of moving from the last place my Mum ever stayed with me
She won’t again see my home, my house, my space and share it with me
The act of moving into the perfect house in the perfect place was a challenge on all levels for me
To commit to a relationship and a space that is shared when I’m fiercely independatn and terrified of getting vulnerable and putting all my eggs in one basket
My pattern since I was a teenager of not having a home or safe space playing out strong
And again faced on my return this year, the challenge to step through my stories and work hard to accept it was my home, truly, and unleash myself from my stories and empower myself to be there fully
Releasing it gives a realisation of the expectations, the hopes and the dependency on it I had placed
Not the four walls, but what it stood for
Stability, support, safety, home
My mums connection with it kept our connection deep,
Visions of her in her room and on the roof causing mischief
Her soft presence bringing me comfort as my memories would ring daily
The letting go of the expectations of what I had planned with me and Greta, with our relationship, with focussing on that as a reason to move through my stories and face myself deeper every day, that the dream I had is no longer, and it’s passing like letting go of a familiar pair of slippers that you’ve broken in and give you comfort.
Crying
Releasing
Feeling
That loneliness comes
Again no home
No stability
No safety
Then it comes through the releasing
That truth
The deeper sense through the tears
That this is just a beautiful flow
A lesson in releasing
In breathing
In knowing
Ever knowing
That I am never alone
That I am infinitely connected
And infinitely supported
I acknowledge my feelings
And allow the release of the old
Let my tears fall to let go of what was
Soft with myself, nurturing myself and sharing my journey
Life is ever challenging
But one thing I know
I am loved
We are one
I am not alone
Thank you
Now I’m going to eat my apple and snack and hold Greta’s hand softly as we journey together into whatever is ahead
Life is beautiful
Feel, love, live, be
Let the feelings flow and watch them fall away into love
Xxxxx