I’m sitting in a plane transiting through Kuala Lumpur to Adelaide from Bali.

The world around me seems busy, hurried and a little strange after 6 days of quiet in the ashram.

This week has been one of the most challenging, insightful, powerful weeks of my life. A rollercoaster ride shining a spotlight on my true self.

The physical act of sitting for so many hours of the day is challenging enough but the psychological journey is by far the strongest element.

When I arrived with no clue of what was greeting me I was nervous but excited with the anticipation and act of throwing myself into an unknown path just because my heart felt it was right! I stepped off the plane and stood on the airfield and breathed in the Bali air. The energy was powerful and heavy. My heart and soul filled , there was no doubt in my mind that my decision was right.

I jumped in the first taxi I got offered and headed to the ashram, catching up on my Balinese and Indonesian with the taxi driver on the way.

It was gone midnight when I arrived so I wasn’t expecting to find Prabhu (the Guru of the ashram) so was ready to crash and sleep on the stage until morning when I could enquire if it was ok to stay or if my delays meant that my place in the ashram was lost to someone else.

A few people were sleeping on the stage and on the floor in the main area of the ashram (the Balinese are simple and do not want for much so a straw mat or floor is enough for them to be happy). Thankfully a guy was awake who greeted me and told someone to go and ask Prabhu’s wife if it was possible for me to stay.

My luck was in.

He returned and advised I was to take Villa 2 (a glamorous, slightly tongue in cheek name for their bamboo huts). The guy looked a little put out as it turned out to be where he had put his bags a little earlier, but with a bow and smile he moved into another villa. Generosity and hospitality is one of the strongest values in the Balinese and it leaves you feeling humbled, welcome and loved. The sheets were covered with lizard poo and ants and general bits of bamboo from the roof so I swept them off with the twig brush and settled in for the night content with my heartfelt decision and curious to what the next day would bring.

My ‘villa’ in the jungle. A simple hut with a bed, shared with many creatures and so much love!

I woke at sunrise to the sounds of the jungle and ashram waking up. The usual crickets and cicadas were mixed with bird song, unknown animal sounds, cockerels who roam the ashram and the nearby music and chants from the surrounding temples outside our oasis of jungle.

I got up and headed to the washing block. This consists of a communal showering area with 3 shower heads attached to a wall (all cold water) and 4 cubicles of toilets (3 squat toilets and 1 western style).

The toilet experience goes like this: The toilets don’t flush. There are large buckets of water filled from a tap in each cubicle. A plastic smaller bucket with handle floats in the water for you to use to scoop out the water for flushing and to rinse your left hand after you have used it to clean yourself. Yep. No toilet roll. I’m not gonna lie this was a little challenging when I first came across it, but with a portable soap bag as a toilet buddy and working out a routine of how to coordinate keeping clothes off the wet floor, squat at the right angle to avoid splashback, hold on to the wall and how to hold soap, a bucket and rinse all at the same time, it becomes a little easier. To be honest once you’ve mastered the art of squatting it becomes a preference as it makes you feel a lot better to not be wasting gallons of water and paper just to use the loo, and you come out cleaner than when you went in. Happy days! (although it’s not surprising it’s taboo to use your left hand to give, receive or eat food!)

I toileted, showered and headed to meditation in front of Dhunaguru (the sacred fire that burns continuously at the centre of the ashram). It is custom to give offerings to the Divine in Bali when attending temples and the ashram is no different. Approaching Dhunaguru involves a full routine of respect and prayer involving holy ashes, water and ringing of bells, followed by bowing to the floor in prayer. The process is calming in itself and cleanses and centres you in preparation for surrendering into all that is in meditation.I took my place on a mat in front of Dhunaguru, lit a candle and incense and started meditation. A 1 and ½ hour session was over before I knew it. A far cry from the 10 minute daily session that my undisciplined, distracted mind has slipped to recently.

The meditation area surrounded by trees and in front of Dhunaguru. The green mat was my spot for just under a week 🙂

Full of bliss and peace I headed back to my hut and rested a bit. After resting I refamiliarised myself with the centre, had reunions with the people I already knew and met the ones I didn’t. Turns out Prabhu was still in transit from Jakarta via a place in Bali.

I did another hour and a half meditation in the afternoon and headed to the kitchen for lunch. Food in the ashram consists of white rice, veg fried in oil and sambal super spicy tomato sauce (Bali hot of course!). Not my usual health conscious organic raw food but super tasty and every meal is blessed. Aside from that there is something fabulously wonderful about meals eaten with your hand from a wicker basket lined with banana leaves or paper while sitting on a tree trunk facing the river in the jungle of Bali!

After lunch I walked up towards the main area of the centre and saw Julia – a friend from Malta – sitting on the floor by the stage going through some photos she wanted to upload. I thought everyone had left back to Malta but turns out she was there to stay for another few weeks and doing her sadhana. I didn’t know her so well but it was good to see a familiar face and have some companionship. Turned out we were similar in many ways and over the week of meditation, poi dancing and supporting one another through our processes we found solace in one another.

A 2 hour yoga session in the evening, courtesy of the guy that had moved villas for me on the first night had us all straining, sighing and laughing.

Prabhu turned up in the middle of the session and and after a greeting of ‘what are you doing here? Go away’ he smiled and sat on the stage playing the harmonium. We sang, he taught some lessons and read from the Bhagavad Gita then hung out afterwards. His following in Bali (and internationally) is strong and people come from all over the world, and at all hours to hear his teachings and practice the meditation technique.

I approached him but in my usual ‘I’m not sure how to act around a guru’ awkwardness I failed to ask him about if I could do my sadhana (even though it was the whole reason I went) in an attempt to surrender to him guiding my fate, to not appear rude as I was a week late arriving, and on top of that to come across positive I quipped that it felt great to be in Bali even if for 6 days. Then I had the cheek as I walked off to be upset that he hadn’t mentioned my sadhana and doubts of my going there creeped in, I could have done a meditation retreat in Australia myself, I didn’t need to have paid all this money, what am I doing here waiting to be acknowledged by someone else when I don’t even need a teacher (and other ungrateful ego based thought patterns). Some reflection time and a second sunrise meditation later and I realised it was me that needed to change, it was me that needed to learn that I wouldn’t receive unless I was open and honest and that I wasn’t going to be receiving all the lessons from the divine unless I surrender into all I am and be truthful.

So I approached Prabhu as soon as I saw him and here’s how the conversation went:

G: When I said I was good I lied, Im actually frustrated with myself for not coming earlier. I really wanted to do my sadhana.

P: *smiles* Do not worry you can do it next time.

G: My practice has got less disciplined how do I get back on track?

P: You must learn to control. Enjoyment from material things keeps you like cat and dog. If you prioritise the purpose of life as 1 then all zeros will follow. Any you put in front of 1 will decrease its value. If you put 1 first then all enjoyment of material things will follow. If you do for guru, not for others or self then what you want becomes real. It is like when you bloop in the sea, at first you will sink then you will learn to swim again.

G: I feel awkward approaching you

P: There is no need it has been long enough. Sometimes I will say or do something if you are asleep to wake you. The world will wake you but sometimes I will do it.

G: Can we go to the big temples when I am here?

P: You are late.

We moved to more conversations and sharing of Prasad (blessed food) with some other visitors on the stage

G: I feel stupid with some questions I want to ask. Like they are not high enough to ask you.

P: Questions are doubts. Big or small they are still doubts so do not keep them inside you.

A friend wants to take tissues and asks for them timidly to Prabhu.

P: If you ask you will not receive, if you take you will receive. If you take it is not polite.

She doesn’t take the tissue that she needs.

P: To respect me is easy, to follow me is hard.

G: How do we follow you?

P: To follow you will lose ego. Ego is in front of Dhunaguru. It is not yours. Anything you have is guru’s.

G: Is there anything I need to do while I am here?

P: Yes…. You will do sadhana for 3 days, then visit Basaki Temple, then you will leave.

G: OK. What do I need to do for my sadhana?

P: We will tell you. Come and see me upstairs this afternoon…. If I will be there…

G: If you aren’t I will chase you

P: *smiles*

Now what I learned was that when dealing with Gurus it is not in the words that they use in the literal sense, it is the lesson that you are receiving in that time. At first I struggled with the words that were coming as lessons, I got attached to their literal meaning, I heard judgements and expectations within them, and when used in different ways for other lessons I struggled when I saw what I judged as hypocritical statements. But now I realise, that when you search for the lessons and work under a guru that words are not literal. That you will receive the most perfect lesson for your growth through words, but that the words are not the lesson, the lesson is. So the words can flow through you like water, yet the lesson can remain.

For me, the lessons I got from this day was clear.

What stops me is my ego. My fear of judgement, my fear of not acting in the ‘correct’ way around a guru, my fear of not being too ‘take take take’ and awaiting a lesson to be given to me, in them all I am hindering myself. In reality I am there, I am asking for my higher self to improve, and striving to break through my own fears and move more into love. To do that I have to come from that space and not from one of fear. So the lesson was to speak openly, speak honestly, set aside my own fears of judgement and expectation from self and others, and I will receive all I wish for. The hardest challenge then is to being open enough and humble enough to not block the lessons that come flooding to you! Tricky as hell when the triggers in the ashram come hard and fast… kind of a portal on fast forward of self development!

So….. my sadhana was ON. BOOM!

After the agni hotra ceremony that night I cornered Prabhu and he told me I should do the same as Julia, and I was still free to speak etc, but that I would then return the next time for 40 days.

Now what does that mean?

Well my week there looked like this:

1st 2 days:

630 am 1.5 hours meditation

Lunchtime 1.5 hours meditation

6pm 2 hours yoga and meditation

The next 3 days sadhana:

530 am 2 hours meditation

Midday 1 hour meditation

6pm 1 hour yoga

2 hours meditation

I was to:

Wash before every meditation

Have designated clothes for meditation (ideally clean before each sitting but ok if ONLY used for meditation)

I had no restrictions on speaking or eating

However I also added in:

Vibhuti (cleansing holy bath every morning and evening)

Ban on electronic devices and also the internet/phone contact

Not leaving the ashram

These things are normal for sadhana so I wanted to bring those to my practice, as then the internalisation of self is much stronger.

And how did it go?

Well…..

For some reason the 2 hours in the morning was much more tolerable than the challenging evening sittings. The morning sittings started before sunrise so they moved through the waking of the jungle.

As the suns energy sweeps across the Earth awakening everything in its path. The jungle would come alive as we sat there, starting with the sounds I detailed waking up to on the first day building to a crescendo of loud calling, chirping and vibrating. Those that live on the ashram tend to Dhunaguru every morning, entering the locked door it is kept behind, praying chanting and tending to the fire. The area around us was swept with twig brushes and others coming and going for meditation, ringing the bells and adding chants of their own.

The energy moves from a heavy warm dark night to a lighter, cooler morning and the world lifts into a new day. A calm inner peace and revitalisation takes place. Surrendering to the path of the day causes much insight in best practice for the day and what to focus on, helps highlight areas internally to work on and tunes you fully into the present.

Morning meditations are my favourite.

Lunchtime hours are shorter but hotter. Patches of moving shade means you get some respite from the sun as the tree shadows move across you but its hot and humid. Legs are a little tired from the morning but the shorter session means time is easier to fill and less shifting around occurs with leg pain. A nice little regroup with ‘God’ halfway through the day!

Evenings are harder. Heat exuding from me post yoga sessions, added to the rife mosquito munching and persistant ants normal for the morning and evening sessions means the swarming challenges focus. Post yoga means things are a little easier on the legs and back than other evening sessions but I found myself much more fidgety and the time seems a lot slower. Moving into the night brought alive all the nocturnal creatures and one session brought a loud THUD and hissing on the mat to my left. After a little time of trying to stay focussed, I partially opened a sneaky eye but the darkness and one tealight candle was not shedding much ‘light’ on the subject. As I shut my eyes and focussed on trust I heard the hissing move away to the far side of the meditation area and beyond. The end of the sessions at night were a slow reconnection back into the world. Often timed with chanting and the procession of those that looked after Dhunaguru taking round hot smoking ashes from the fire and sprinkling holy water and blowing ash throughout the ashram. A procession you could join and chant. Was a beautiful way to finish the day before Prabhu’s lectures, poi practice or before food and rest.

The week gave me much insight into myself. How my thought patterns work, into triggers from fears or perceived expectations or judgements from others. How I get strongly affected into acting differently when I feel judged or scared, and how easy it is to change my world when I choose to step out of those fears.

There were some dark times, some seriously strong challenges mentally and physically and as the week progressed some amazingly beautiful moments where those things were overcome one by one.

Sitting with an intent to be present in a beautiful place full of Divine love, genuine humble souls, and immersed in nature for so many hours of the day mixed with my own learnings and stepping through fears caused a wonderful peace to enter my soul.

The last day of visiting the temple and doing a spot of Luminate work in Ubud was a strange but soft entry back into the world outside of the ashram. My driver was patient and giving and adaptable to my needs and even got me to the airport on time when I decided that shedding my ego and heading back to the ashram to see Prabhu (despite him not having made time for me, all in the name of me stepping out of myself) was a total gift.

Many people come here to pray and give offerings, the energy is poweful

I learned many things in this week.

That when you come with heart, and when you see value in self and ask for what you wish for you will receive. When you stop pussy footing around and just know that what you are doing is right takes you to places you could never have imagined. And that when you let go of your ego, and allow all the lessons that you are striving for to come to you, albeit it through the universe, external happenings or a person channelling them, you will learn more about yourself in a short time that take you to a more love filled life daily.

And most of all that when you step out of fear, create a new vision of the world internally, then act on that new vision, that the world around you supports that shift and shines back on you lighter and brighter than you had dreamed possible.

Being back in the dog eat dog world of marketing, hussle and bustle and airports and planes took a bit of getting used to, but the inner calm stayed with me all the way to Adelaide.

My practice has stayed strong, and with open communication in my relationship, I am trying to find that balance of sinking in the sea, and swimming.

Bringing the Divine into my life and into my relationship means more beauty in all that I do. And fills my heart full of love and gratitude. Staying centred 24/7 is still a challenge, but I’m working on it! Ill keep you posted!!

Much love to all you wonderful beings

Gayle

xxxxx

P.S. You can check out Angka Meditation in the Be Empowered page. It might just change your life 🙂